


his mantra

by stephenssupreme



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Doctor Strange (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Domestic Boyfriends, Forbidden Love, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-06-14 09:48:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15386124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stephenssupreme/pseuds/stephenssupreme
Summary: Allowing himself to fall in love is something Wong struggles with every day but as each day passes, it gets difficult to ignore the truth.----Set in Earth-616, tagged the mcu just so it's a bit more visible.





	1. Chapter 1

I still wasn't used to living in New York, after all those years, it still felt like a distant land to me. Perhaps it was because I never felt welcome but who in their right mind had the  _ time _ to welcome me? Everyone was constantly on the move having no time to even glance at the stranger who had offered them a kind smile. Did I ever stop offering that same smile, though? Never. For there was always a man who smiled back, however busy he may have been. 

 

“Good morning, Wong - how does the sunrise treat us today?” This was his usual greeting after I returned back inside from meditating on the roof of our Greenwich Village home. Most would suspect we had no garden but hidden from the street’s view was a small, quaint roof garden. Planters overfilling with an abundance of flowers lined the sides, flowers of which could be found nowhere else on Earth. I had warned my good friend that having plants from far off dimensions out in the open was dangerous but since no one ever saw this space, I soon settled to agree. It was, after all, a beautiful sight to open your eyes to after meditating through the early hours.

 

“The sun promises riches today, Strange.” I glanced down at the table where he was sat, annoyed to see there wasn't a lick of food to be seen. “Are you not eating?” My eyes narrowed, however, he would not meet them.

“Funnily enough, I don't fancy eating slugs brain in a leech blood jus,” he remarked with a pinch of attitude. I could understand why: the diet of a Sorcerer Supreme wasn't something one would desire, however, it was what one would  _ require _ .

“Not even on toast? You could just pretend it's avocado on toast: I’ve heard that's a trend sweeping through New York.” His face twitched slightly, almost as if it was about to light up but it faded as quick as it had appeared. I sighed.  _ I had promised I would never cook for you again. I wasn't some kind of servant. _

 

Without saying a word, I found myself readying him some breakfast. I could hear his protests from behind;

“Stop.” “I said no.” “Wong, I’m fine.”

Only when I felt his trembling hand fall upon my shoulder did I stop what I was doing and face him. I wanted to shout at the man, tell him to look after himself - then I wouldn't  _ have _ to force him to eat meals. I couldn't though. With all that had been going on with magic recently, I knew he already had enough on his plate. 

“It's okay. I wanted something to eat anyway. Eggs.” My voice came out a lot softer than I had intended and what shocked me most was just as I went to turn back around, his hand reached up and held my cheek. “No…” His hand dropped and he backed away, returning to where he was once sat.

 

His hand had been warm, slightly clammy from what I could only assume was nerves. If I was to listen to my heart, I would have allowed his hand to stay there and perhaps let it lead to something more. I dreamt of moments like these - small, tender acts that meant nothing to the world but everything to us. You could call it love: I did. Never aloud, though for that would give him the permission to try again. As much as I wanted Stephen, I always held him at a distance since I had been there to witness first hand how all his relationships ended. He could be selfish, naïve and above all else ungrateful. Despite all that, he was a kind man… Someone who didn't fear the unknown and always knew what was right, even if the path to it was questionable. I admired him. And yes, I loved him. Not enough to let him hurt me though. If I was to have one constant in my life, it wouldn't be him: it would be my pride.

 

Breakfast was quiet; the crunch of toasted bread being all that filled the room. Thankfully, Stephen ate all that was given to him and he didn't even gag which, to be fair, was a surprise given what he was putting in his mouth. Shakily putting his fork down, the sorcerer plucked the last crust of toast and waved it towards the floor and broke the silence:

“Ah, look who came to join us!” Out from the shadows walked a cat. He was a new addition who had only been with us for a month but both Stephen and I grew fond of the odd stray and decided to keep him on the grounds of  _ he goes if he lays a single claw on any of the artefacts. _ So far, every item survived unscathed.  _ Ziggy _ , as Stephen called him after  _ Ziggy Stardust _ , could stay.

 

The day went by, both of us doing our own things - my hands busy cleaning out our endless bookshelf which had gathered an extraordinary amount of dust over the years. You see, there is in fact a spell to rid the place of dust but it disturbs the Sanctum’s energy and honestly… Sorting out the library was therapeutic for me. Such a meaningless task that would, in the long run, make things easier? I found it satisfying. If Stephen had his way, we'd be up to our knees wading in dust. Thankfully, he wasn't the boss: Sorcerer Supreme, he may be, but I am his equal when it comes to living arrangements. Many people suspected otherwise - even going as far to call me his ‘man-servant’. I’m not. I serve the sorcerer supreme in a mystic sense, but I most certainly  _ don't  _ clean the arrogant idiot’s dirty underwear. I have my own stuff to deal with.

 

Just as I was about to leave the library and retire to bed, a slither of paper peeking out the top of a book caught my eye. Neither of us particularly used bookmarks and it looked as though something was written on it in blue ink. Never did like  _ blue ink _ , it looks far too messy and it's an odd contrast to white paper. Pulling the book off the shelf, I pursed my lips together and blew away a layer of dust to reveal the title:  _ Dreams of The Dreaded _ . It meant nothing to me at first, but once I opened to the marked page, I could only sigh in disappointment. 

 

Written in beautiful cursive was ‘Stephen x’. I knew exactly who wrote this for I lived alongside her for a number of years. The woman who held Stephen’s heart; his ex-wife Clea. I’m not someone to succumb to jealousy, however, I’d be branded a liar if I didn't admit that for all those years, I had always wished I was her. There was no grudge between Clea and I - only a silent desire on my part. That was why I didn't unfold the paper and instead went off to find Strange in his room, hands behind him as he gazed out the window. Shirtless, as he usually was in the late evening. He knew I had arrived before I even breathed a word.

 

“Wong… I must apologise for this morning. You see, I managed to get things confused--" I cut him off before he had a chance to explain more. I didn't want an apology. I should have been the one apologising.

“Nevermind. It's forgotten; all in the past. Talking of the past though…” I walked over beside him and passed the letter over while looking out onto the street like he had been. “It's from Clea. I haven't read it, don't worry.” I lingered, glancing over to look at him in the dim lighting, shadows lining every muscle of his body, the hairs on his chest moving slightlt as he breathed. I could not give into temptation though, it was for my own good. “I’ll leave you to read it in peace. Goodnight, Stephen.” 

 

I left the room, faintly hearing him call goodnight to me in return as I shut the door, eyes closed and forehead leaning against the cool wood once I was out of view. For years, I had lived like this but I didn't know how much longer I could continue like it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A standard visit to the Dark Dimension turns sour for Stephen and Wong.

Months went by, Stephen and I carrying out our sorcerous duties side by side as we always did.He never did tell me what that letter had inside it, however, it wasn’t my place to ask. Whatever Clea had to say to Stephen was for Stephen’s eyes alone. What I did happen to notice though was that we had been making more trips to the Dark Dimension than we usually did. Clea was was never in sight nor was she mentioned - instead we were merely keeping an eye on the mindless ones as a good peace gesture - a gesture that went back decades. Just like the week before and the week before that; everything was fine. Dare I say… Slightly boring.

 

“Yet again no change, Stephen. Remind me why we’re not just doing our usual bimonthly visits? We have other work to do.” This wasn’t the first time I’d questioned the Doctor about our specific travels but never before had I received an honest answer.

 

Stephen had only huffed in response, walking away from me a little bit, peering through the invisible barrier he had restored year after year in the hopes of a treaty with Dormammu. “I can sense a change in them, Wong; can’t you? The way they interact with each other…”

 

“They don’t,” I replied bluntly.

 

“Exactly.”

 

“I don’t see why that is a problem. They’re not really the universe’s best conversationalists, are they?” Personally, by this point, I believed Stephen was chasing an idea that would result in nothing, however, he saw things differently and wouldn’t give up so easily.

 

“That may be true, but they used to gesture to each other, move in groups and there was normally the odd fight between themselves. Now they’re just… Existing. Still trying to escape, yes, but they're doing so individually now, not as a hive mind like they used to.” Stephen turned to me, possibly hoping that I would  _ see sense _ and agree with him. Despite understanding his point, I still didn’t see why it was such a big deal. They were acting calmer now. Realistically, that should have made our job easier.

 

Thinking that was the end of our check up for that day, I began to summon a portal before being interrupted by Stephen saying:

 

“I’m going in.”

 

Now that was when I started taking things more seriously. Had I seriously just heard him say that?

 

“No. No you’re not. You don’t need to.” Dropping my hands to look at him, the remains of my portal hit the ground, leaving nothing but a few speckled embers. “Why are you risking your life before it needs to be risked, Stephen? What benefit does that have to the multiverse? You being dead, that is.”

 

“I never said you had to come with me-”

 

“ _ I never offered to. _ I’m telling you that  _ you  _ shouldn’t go in.” Of course, if the situation lead to it, though, I would have most definitely followed him - sometimes I’m shocked that man ever survives a day without me.

 

“No need to wait around for me then.” He sounded bitter, not even daring to glance at me before creating a doorway through the boundary and stepping through without as little as a goodbye.

  
  


I stood there. Just standing there alone. Why do I let him get in these messes?  _ Why _ do I always go after a man who is so selfless yet also so arrogant at the same time? I knew why and it was getting harder and harder to deny as time went on. After what seemed like five minutes, I gave in and made my own way through, making sure to cast a ward over myself before doing so. The last thing I wanted was to get attacked without being prepared.

  
  
  


Wandering through the lawless planes, I found that the air was cold, colder than what I had experienced in the Himalayas and frankly, that was quite the feat to beat. It didn’t make sense since I was still in the dark dimension, just an area that had been cordoned off meaning it’s not as if it should have its own weather system. I wasn’t alone here, though, hundreds of mindless ones roamed the area, three times the size of myself but completely silent. I was half expecting one of them to punch me, kick me, try and cause harm in any shape or form. They usually did in the case of an intruder and yet-... Nothing. Maybe Stephen was right to be curious about all of this? And talking of Stephen; he was nowhere to be found. My only clue was a gathering of mindless ones not too far ahead, all stood in a near-enough perfect circle, looking inwards at whatever was there.

 

Well.  _ Whoever _ was there, would be a better way to describe it.

 

Once I was close enough, I was able to peek through a small gap between two of the creatures to see Stephen slumped there in a lifeless heap yet , he looked fine. There was no blood. No sign of violence or struggle. Though that didn’t stop me from running over, thankfully slipping through the gap without having to push my way through - I highly doubted i’d be strong enough to do so, anyway.

 

“Strange.” I spoke loud enough for him to have heard me but there was no response. There wasn’t even a response from the mindless ones. “ _ Stephen! _ ” This time I had hissed his name, worrying that was out cold. Worrying that I was too late and I should have followed him in sooner. Before I knew it, I was knelt down on the ground, shaking his limp body, begging for him to wake up. I was so focused on him that I didn’t even notice the crowd that had been surrounding had simply left. It was just him and I in the middle of nowhere. Of course, getting him back to the Sanctum was the priority. Dead or alive. He couldn’t stay here. 

 

With a gulp, I hesitantly checked him for signs of life, hardly able to look at him as I did so. I would never forgive myself. Not only because it would have been my fault but also because I had never admitted how I truly felt towards him.

 

And so I counted to ten, listening and feeling for a heartbeat. One… Two…  _ Thud. _ As soon as I felt that against my fingers, I could have sworn I wept for joy. There was a regular rhythm so assuming whatever happened wasn’t fatal, he was just knocked out. While he wasn’t there to see, I carefully took his hand in mine and brought it to my lips.I don’t know what came over me - perhaps because I had almost lost him - but I kissed his knuckles, his bumpy scar tissue not even noticeable in the rush of the moment. This wasn’t the first time I had done this - he had even seen me do it once. It was years ago during a night we refused to speak about ever since. Actually, he tried to speak about it alot but I allowed him to - it hurt too much to reminisce on a night that should have never happened. I never regretted it, I just know it wasn’t the universe’s plan to place us both there that night.

 

Casting that memory aside, I forced myself to focus on the present, though. There was more at stake than ever before and this might have been my last chance to admit the truth, admittedly to deaf ears: “don’t you dare leave me… I love you too much to lose you, Stephen…” My eyes had been closed as I whispered that so hearing his voice caught me completely off guard and I dropped his hand in an instant.

 

“Who… Who is  _ Stephen _ ?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *record scratch*
> 
> it's okay, i get it, the amnesia plot is overused but trust me - the angst of it is worth it and opens up a lot more dialogue. 
> 
> thank you for reading though - i know this is a rarepair that yeah, won't get much clout so i am SO grateful for you guys who do read and do enjoy this :)


End file.
